Cruising Through Mid-Life With B-12 and Kim Kardashian

 Last night I was invited to go on a "moms' sunset cruise" with my friend Cindy. Our boys go to school together, and as such the case, we parents have formed a friendship.

As the five of us watched the early fall sun lower over the horizon, we talked about what most middle-aged women talk about. Weight. And organic health food. And B-12 shots.

Forget the hot guy conversation, the new car debate, or the recently purchased cocktail dress talk of yesteryear. Today my life has become a series of conversations on how to avoid weight gain. Every once in a while, the topic will change to sore joints, but I digress.

We meandered through the bay looking at cranes and searching for dolphins while we sipped wine and ate cheese, which I thought was kind of funny given the topic.

"I hear if you give up alcohol, you can lose weight pretty fast," I said.

You would have thought I pulled the drain plug on the boat.

"Well, yeah, but who wants to do that?" asked Sara. "I give myself B-12 shots." Apparently, she buys a monthly supply at a very reasonable price.

We were like the Sex and the City girls except more accurately named Weight and the Married Women.

Then one of them said, "We should go dancing at Sharkey's. It's so much fun. Let's go eat healthy Mexican food at this restaurant, then go dancing."

Cindy asked, "Is it safe?"

What? The food or the bar? Or possibly the dancing? I didn't get the question.

"It's totally safe. The people are preppy and they play '80s music," Sara said.

Flashback 1986. I lived through the'80s and not sure if I'm able relive it.

Of course, not having been to a dance club in about two decades I had to ask, "Do we bring our husbands?"

I could hear the gurgling sound of salt water rising around my ankles. I almost said, "Just joking!"

Obviously, I was batting a 0 on the conversation scale. Eventually they started to talk amongst themselves and occasionally nod over in my direction.

Then they started talking about frozen fruit slushes. Peel and cut up a banana into chunks. Place in a freezer bag, but don't neatly place them in the bag because it makes it harder to break apart and put in the blender. Then add some other fruit or coconut juice, not milk which is higher in calories. Of course, you can always add rum or vodka, they said.

I was eager to jump into the conversation, so I said, "Well, last week I went to an interval training class and couldn't sit down for days. But, I kept going because I wasn't about to let a woman 20 years older than me beat me."

Blank stares.

"Well, I have to do something to get my butt off of the back of my thighs," I laughed.

They politely smiled, then one asked, "How much weight do you want to lose? A half a pound?"

They all literally looked me up and down, laughed, and took another swig of wine.

So I tried to steer the conversation to brighter ground -- hair dye.

"Who does your hair?" I asked. "I haven't found anyone here yet."

Yes, I was back in the conversation! They were all eager to give me their hair stories.

On the latter half of the cruise we picked up another couple and their college-age daughter. They started talking about the new IPhone 5 which of course the daughter has ordered. Then they started talking about storing photos in "the cloud," and other technology advancements.

I had to say to Miss College, "I don't understand Twitter."

I could feel her eyes roll. "You don't understand what Twitter is?" Miss College asked.

"No, I know what it is," I said. "But why do people like to communicate that way?"

"Well, a lot of celebrities communicate that way," she said.

"OK, but why do average people want a Twitter account?" I asked.

"Well," Miss College said. "You can directly talk to celebrities. People like Kim Kardashian can respond back to you."

"Why do I want to talk to Kim Kardashian?" I asked.

Again I was sent back to the familiar four walls of my dog house.

So, this is what I have learned thus far in my life - I've never really outgrown my odd girl personality. I'm a dork. A card carrying dork. Leading the 'hood of dorkdom in stares, smirks and furrowed brows.

Oh well, it's nice to know some things remain consistent in life.

Still wondering why I would want to talk to Kim Kardashian? I mean, really?

The Wondering Texan