Cruising Through Mid-Life With B-12 and Kim Kardashian

 Last night I was invited to go on a "moms' sunset cruise" with my friend Cindy. Our boys go to school together, and as such the case, we parents have formed a friendship.

As the five of us watched the early fall sun lower over the horizon, we talked about what most middle-aged women talk about. Weight. And organic health food. And B-12 shots.

Forget the hot guy conversation, the new car debate, or the recently purchased cocktail dress talk of yesteryear. Today my life has become a series of conversations on how to avoid weight gain. Every once in a while, the topic will change to sore joints, but I digress.

We meandered through the bay looking at cranes and searching for dolphins while we sipped wine and ate cheese, which I thought was kind of funny given the topic.

"I hear if you give up alcohol, you can lose weight pretty fast," I said.

You would have thought I pulled the drain plug on the boat.

"Well, yeah, but who wants to do that?" asked Sara. "I give myself B-12 shots." Apparently, she buys a monthly supply at a very reasonable price.

We were like the Sex and the City girls except more accurately named Weight and the Married Women.

Then one of them said, "We should go dancing at Sharkey's. It's so much fun. Let's go eat healthy Mexican food at this restaurant, then go dancing."

Cindy asked, "Is it safe?"

What? The food or the bar? Or possibly the dancing? I didn't get the question.

"It's totally safe. The people are preppy and they play '80s music," Sara said.

Flashback 1986. I lived through the'80s and not sure if I'm able relive it.

Of course, not having been to a dance club in about two decades I had to ask, "Do we bring our husbands?"

I could hear the gurgling sound of salt water rising around my ankles. I almost said, "Just joking!"

Obviously, I was batting a 0 on the conversation scale. Eventually they started to talk amongst themselves and occasionally nod over in my direction.

Then they started talking about frozen fruit slushes. Peel and cut up a banana into chunks. Place in a freezer bag, but don't neatly place them in the bag because it makes it harder to break apart and put in the blender. Then add some other fruit or coconut juice, not milk which is higher in calories. Of course, you can always add rum or vodka, they said.

I was eager to jump into the conversation, so I said, "Well, last week I went to an interval training class and couldn't sit down for days. But, I kept going because I wasn't about to let a woman 20 years older than me beat me."

Blank stares.

"Well, I have to do something to get my butt off of the back of my thighs," I laughed.

They politely smiled, then one asked, "How much weight do you want to lose? A half a pound?"

They all literally looked me up and down, laughed, and took another swig of wine.

So I tried to steer the conversation to brighter ground -- hair dye.

"Who does your hair?" I asked. "I haven't found anyone here yet."

Yes, I was back in the conversation! They were all eager to give me their hair stories.

On the latter half of the cruise we picked up another couple and their college-age daughter. They started talking about the new IPhone 5 which of course the daughter has ordered. Then they started talking about storing photos in "the cloud," and other technology advancements.

I had to say to Miss College, "I don't understand Twitter."

I could feel her eyes roll. "You don't understand what Twitter is?" Miss College asked.

"No, I know what it is," I said. "But why do people like to communicate that way?"

"Well, a lot of celebrities communicate that way," she said.

"OK, but why do average people want a Twitter account?" I asked.

"Well," Miss College said. "You can directly talk to celebrities. People like Kim Kardashian can respond back to you."

"Why do I want to talk to Kim Kardashian?" I asked.

Again I was sent back to the familiar four walls of my dog house.

So, this is what I have learned thus far in my life - I've never really outgrown my odd girl personality. I'm a dork. A card carrying dork. Leading the 'hood of dorkdom in stares, smirks and furrowed brows.

Oh well, it's nice to know some things remain consistent in life.

Still wondering why I would want to talk to Kim Kardashian? I mean, really?

The Wondering Texan




 

Substitute Teaching Middle Schoolers

Well, I'm about to embark on my latest adventure - substitute teaching.

A lady in my water aerobics class gave me the idea saying she thought I would be good at it. I guess she figured if I can control a couple of menopausal ladies in a pool of water, then I shouldn't have any problems controlling hormonal middle schoolers in a classroom. At least I won't have to contend with hot flashes other than my own. Plus, it allows flexibility for my reconstruction process, adds a little extra cash to our account, and gives me new purpose.

So, I applied and went through the background check. I've been finger printed and been given a pep talk by the school district official. The substitute teacher coordinator gave me six substitute teaching assignments at the middle school. All in math. The last time I was in a math class was when they didn't allow calculators in the class. The other week, my husband was watching a YouTube video on how to operate my daughter's calculator for advanced algebra.

"Don't worry, we're basically looking for people who can control the class. You'll been fine," she told me with a smile.

I guess she figured that since I have two middle school children of my own, I am uniquely qualified.

Tomorrow is my first day at the school. And you know what most people are asking me? What am I going to wear. Yes, it's true.

"You're not going to a corporate office," my neighbor told me.

Then there's my daughter's comments.

"Mom, don't tell them your last name," she said. Then she added, "So, how are you going to be?"

I wasn't following her question and asked for an explanation.

"Well, are you going to be a mean substitute or a cool sub?" she asked.

'Well, I don't know. I guess I'll be myself,' I told her.

A moment of silence. Then she said, "Well just don't tell anyone your last name."

Then I called my dad figuring I could at least get some parental support. I overreached.

"Really?" he said. "Math?"

A moment of silence.

"Oh. Well that should be ...good."

At least he didn't tell me not to tell anyone my name. Or tell me what to wear.

I've faced a corporate layoff and cancer, so how hard can it be to face seventh graders?

I'll let you know.

Wondering if I can bring candy into the classroom as a motivational tool. Without peanuts of course.

The Wondering Texan

Burning With Fall Expectations

It's hot and dry here along the coast which makes the fall season seem like a mirage. I hope it's somewhere out there, but don't think I'll see it anytime soon.

My neighbors just got back from Lake Michigan and told me they actually had to layer on clothes. This has put me in a melancholy mood. I mean, last weekend my daughter went to a beach party and they couldn't play volleyball because the sand was too hot.

Even the hummingbird migration seems to have stalled in the heat. A few have been flitting around the feeders and, in my optimism, I bought a 5 lb. bag of sugar in preparation for the feeding frenzy. The sugar is still in my pantry collecting more dust than hummers. The local HummerBird Celebration is this weekend with special speakers, bird banding and other special activities. Hopefully, it will be full of hummers, not bummers.

One of the hummers from last year's banding activity.

Although there's not a flock of hummers, certain other animals have made their presence known. Moles have made our yard look like a field of land mines. Traps have been set, yet remain waiting. So far, the traps have netted none. Our dogs, one. Yes, one of my dogs caught a mole and brought it to the back door as a sacrificial offering. I've never seen a mole up close. In a way it was kind of cute with its long, pink nose. But, not cute enough to receive a pardon.

The heat has taken a bite out of fishing.

Then there are the roaches. The nasty, flying, size of a city bus, roaches. With 22 Live Oaks in our backyard and the drought, they have set up camp around our home. I called an exterminator and bought a can of Raid. It's all-out war. I don't know why I think I may win this war considering they have been around since the dinosaurs.

Yesterday I pulled out some of my fall decorations and bought a few chrysanthemums. But of course, I can't plant those in the front yard due to the deer. Our other rodent. As I planted the flowers, a stream of sweat rolled down my back. That kind of takes the fun out of decorating.

So, I'm hoping cooler weather (I'm not even going to wish for a cold front) arrives soon. It's supposed to be in the mid-90s today. Better than the low-100s. But still not hot toddy weather.

Oh, the weatherman just said we may get some "isolated showers." Wondering if he's just teasing us? He's such a joker!

The Wondering Texan